Hi, and welcome to my first blog post. I’m a 22 year old girl. I won’t share my name right now, as a I prefer to remain anonymous. But who knows, maybe in the future I’ll give my name. But for now, I’ll remain anonymous. I love to write and I’ve wanted to start a blog for as long as I can remember. I wanted to create a place where I can get my thoughts out through words, and maybe connect with other humans who also share the same or similar thoughts. The internet is a great place for that. So here we are.
I bet you’re wondering what this blog is all about. I’ve had anxiety for as long as I can remember, and in the last 7-10 years I’ve also dealt with depression. I spent much too long just living with these monsters and thinking there was nothing I could do about them. I felt sorry for myself, and basically gave up. But someone close to me taught me that if I wanted to make a change in my life, only I could do it. No one could do it for me. And with a little tough love, this person got me to understand that giving up wasn’t an option, and I had to fight back. So for the last year that’s what I’ve been (trying) to do.
It hasn’t been easy, and there have been many setbacks along the way. But damn, when those little victories happen, it feels better than anything. And that’s what gives me the motivation to keep going. So that’s what this blog is about. It’s about my journey with beating those demons and getting my life back. And if there’s someone out there reading this that relates to anything I’ve said, maybe we can beat them together. I know we’ll get there, one day at a time.
Wow, it’s been a while since I posted last. I’d like to say it’s because life gets really busy and blame it on that, but that wouldn’t be true. Really, I just haven’t been motivated to do anything productive or worthwhile. I get up, go to work, come home, watch tv, go to bed. On my days off, I get up, watch tv, go to bed. That’s it. And I hate it. Some people might think that’s the dream, but for me, it’s a contributor to feeling as bad as I often do. When I do nothing but lay in bed, it’s because I’m trying to escape my life, instead of facing it head on.
My anxiety and depression has been rough this past year, and I’m dealing with the fact that there’s someone in my personal life who I feel doesn’t want anything to do with me after we were once so close. It feels as though this person has passed away, when they’re still right there, but no matter what I do I can’t reach out to them. But at the same time I’m watching them connect to other people they way they used to connect with me. It sucks.
So because of all that I try to escape the world by laying in bed. In the moment that’s all I want to do. But truth is, it only makes me feel worse. I’m going to try to start facing life head on, because like it or not, life will always be there and no matter how much we want to we can’t escape it forever. Wish me luck, we’ll talk soon.
Today started out blah and slowly transitioned into bleh. Such sophisticated, professional words, I know. But that’s how I was feeling. I was off from work, which I generally don’t like. You might think I’m crazy, but if I could work 7 days a week, I would. I love my job, but not just that, I always feel 100x more motivated and productive when I get up and go to work. Whenever I’m off, I always find myself laying in bed and not doing much of anything, except watch whatever show I’m currently binge watching on Netflix. To many people, that might seem like a wonderful, relaxing day. But to me, I THRIVE off being productive. I LOVE having a million things on my To Do List. When I’m not productive, my depression starts to increase, as does my anxiety. I feel instantly zapped of energy, I feel unmotivated, and as I previously put it, I feel blah and bleh.
However, right now it’s about 6:00 p.m., and I’m laying on the lounge chair on my deck in my backyard, watching my dog run around; and I’m starting to think, life’s alright. I already have a plan to come up with a list of things to do when I don’t actually have anything to do. Simple things like reorganize desk, or clean out dresser, will give me that feeling of productivity that I love so much. If I’ve learned one thing this past year it’s that life might be blah sometimes, but we can always come back from it. And ultimately, there’s so much of life to be grateful for and look forward to.